


Savage Love: First Class

by heyjupiter



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Humor, Relationship Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-21
Updated: 2011-06-21
Packaged: 2017-10-20 15:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyjupiter/pseuds/heyjupiter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who can these confused young mutants turn to for advice?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Savage Love: First Class

**Author's Note:**

> This is a loving homage to Dan Savage's sex & relationship advice column, [Savage Love](http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove). "GGG" is a term commonly used by Savage, meaning "good, giving, and game."

_I'm a 27-year-old questioning male. I work for the government--I probably shouldn't say any more about that. I think I'm falling for my partner. He's smart, sexy, confident, funny... he's basically perfect. Here's the catch. He's been through some traumatic experiences and he's completely obsessed with revenge against those who have wronged him. He's never admitted as much, but... well, let's just say I can tell. I'm a Quaker and a pacifist. To say the least, we have some ideological differences. What do you think I should do?_

 _Make Love, Not War_

MLNW,

Your letter sent up a few red flags for me (and I'm not talking about hanky codes, here). You describe your sexy dream man as "completely obsessed with revenge," which is never a great sign. Yet, you also say he's never admitted any of this and you can "just tell." Here, let me lend you my handkerchief. (Don't worry, it's white.) You've got a little something on your face. Yes, that's it, just wipe all that crazy right off.

How many times do I have to say this? Communication is key. You need to have a talk with this guy, and if you want to keep your job, you need to be discreet about it. (I'm sure I don't need to remind you of that.) That said, ideological differences can make for a great relationship. Think of all the intense makeup sex you can have after a steamy argument about the Reds or the SNCC or whatever it is you G-Men are fighting about these days. Just make sure he never ends up bent on revenge against you.

* * *

  
 _Do you think it's possible for everyone to find love? Even if they look... different? Really different?_

 _Born Looking Ugly, Eek_

BLUE,

No, I don't think it's possible for everyone to find love. Some people are just assholes, and that's all there is to it. I don't mean to say that you are an asshole, of course. I'm just not willing to make a blanket statement that everyone will find love. In terms of looks... you might be surprised. People are into all kinds of things. One man's (or woman's) ugly might be another man's (or woman's) wet dream. You haven't given me a lot to work with here, so I'm not sure what in particular is so "different" about you. Perhaps it's something for which you should explore surgical options, if you're really so uncomfortable with your appearance. Or perhaps a good analyst could help you out. You know what they say, you have to love yourself before anyone else will.

* * *

  
 _  
Things are going great with my girlfriend. She's totally hot and great in bed. Majorly GGG. I swear, it's like she can read my mind. The only thing is, she dresses like a professional dominatrix. I love it when we're alone, but I get so jealous when she leaves the house in her underwear and a cape. I don't like the idea of other men looking at her. Am I being unreasonable?_

 _For My Eyes Only_

FMEO,

Stop bragging.

* * *

  
 _  
I'm a 22-year-old straight male. I'm athletic, smart--well, technically speaking, I'm a genius. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm bragging; it's just a fact. I think I'm decent-looking. But I'm still a virgin. The problem is my feet. They're huge and disgusting. I don't think any woman would ever want to touch me after she sees them. Is there any hope for me?_

 _Being Ignored; Giant Feet Obscure Other Things_

BIGFOOT,

Well, you know what they say about men with big feet... Seriously, some women will get off on your feet. Men aren't the only ones with foot fetishes. Just keep waiting. Or keep your socks on when you fuck. This is not that big of a deal. A bigger deal is if you always introduce yourself as a genius. Nobody likes that, BIGFOOT. Smart is sexy, but boasting about your I.Q. won't win any hearts (or any pussy).

* * *

  
 _  
I work with two men who are obviously completely in love with each other, but neither of them will make the first move. It's incredibly frustrating and distracting to watch. I don't mind if they're homosexuals, but I do mind if they keep fawning over each other when we're supposed to be working. What should I do?_

 _Yikes, Eager Not To Aggravate_

YENTA,

Well, I appreciate that you don't "mind" if they're homosexuals. There's any number of reasons why these two haven't hooked up yet. And, for that matter--are you certain they haven't? Maybe they just don't think it's any of your business. (It isn't.) Maybe they haven't picked up on your oh-so-tolerant attitude. In terms of work life, if they aren't meeting certain levels of professionalism, perhaps you should see if they can be assigned to separate projects. That said, if you are 100% positive that they need to be matched up--well, you could always invite them out for drinks after work, and then suddenly "remember" a prior engagement ten minutes into happy hour.

* * *

 _  
I'm a thirty-year-old bisexual male. I've had a few casual flings, but no serious relationships. Recently, I found a man who I think I may be in love with. He saved my life, literally. Perhaps also figuratively, though it may be too soon to say. I'm not entirely certain he's interested in men, though I think he is interested in me. The main problem is, everyone I've ever loved has been brutally killed. This has naturally left me with a few reservations about forming new relationships. Do you have any advice?_

 _Alas, LOve's Never Easy  
_  
ALONE,

First of all, my condolences for your losses. It certainly sounds like you've had some traumatic experiences. Second of all, it sounds like you are not ready to start a new relationship with anyone. You should find yourself a good analyst and start working through your issues. You might also want to consider moving to a safer neighborhood.


End file.
